This is about the moment I began to define myself as a viewer rather than Hollywood doing it for me…At 20 I was still living with my folks in ‘The Shire.’ One night I had the house to myself (so was probably in my boxers) and the TV was on as usual. I began watching a late night rerun of ‘CSI Miami’ (I think… or the original). I remember they were the two highest rated shows around that time. Commercials had started to annoy me at that age so I’d channel surf during the break. I had seen the title ‘Six Feet Under’ in the TV guide that would be covered in scribbles and streaks of highlighter ink. It often felt like our lives revolved around those of the characters on screen; we’d work just so we had snacks to eat while immersing ourselves in their lives. I found the ominous title depressing and off-putting and so had avoided checking it out until then. I came across the characters Russell and Claire fighting because he had just discovered that she had been pregnant to him and had aborted their unborn child. They were aggressively debating over whether he had a right to know and be involved in the decision. It was engaging but I found it uncomfortably intense so I switched back over to good old ‘CSI’! I can’t recall what was happening but I assume some psychopathic serial killer was on a killing spree which is also pretty intense I guess but for some reason it didn’t feel that way. With the press of a button on the TV remote I went from being unnerved to feeling safe in familiar territory. I turned back to ‘Six Feet Under’ I think because it felt so real, almost like I should watch it rather than wanting to. It was an enthralling experience. I found the topic of a guys right to have a say in whether his lover (or ex-lover) aborts their unborn child as inescapably thought provoking and particularly disturbing as a guy. The dialogue and performances were believable in a way I hadn’t come across. I could sense the complexity of their history together and read the layers of subtext. There also didn’t seem to be a clear ‘good guy’ or ‘bad guy’. I didn’t know whose side I was meant to be on or what I was meant to think. It was maybe that the characters also looked more realistic. The actors were perhaps less typically attractive or maybe it was just the more natural lighting and lack of stylised colour filters like you see on CSI and most mainstream progams. I wasn’t very conscious of these aspects of film back then but how they affected me was clear.

‘Six Feet Under’ didn’t provide the kind of ‘switching off’ escapism I was accustom to when I’d turn on the screen. As I flicked between the channels I could almost feel my brain being switched on and off. Why was this? And why did CSI with its demented serial killers, violence and graphic imagery make me feel relaxed and reassured? Maybe it was because I liked seeing a representation of a world with clear good guys and bad guys. I probably liked sharing the perspective of the good protagonist who obviously had a moral integrity, was brave, clever and would always get what he wanted due to these virtues. The world wasn’t too complex or ambiguous and as an audience member I could always see and understand it and this was consoling. Life was always presented in the form of little stories that would come to a neat end where everything was revealed and resolved. I found this episodic depiction of the world addictive in its reassurance. By the end I’d feel some sense of satisfaction even if each episode seemed pretty much the same. When I think back to how I used to perceive the world, myself and others it seems to somewhat align with what CSI depicted. I thought I had or would find all the answers; that my life would just fall into place like a tight plot. There were good people and bad people in the world and I of course was a ‘good guy’. These admirable qualities would earn me a line of beautiful women that would want to fuck and/or marry me (I was an innocent christian back then but still wanted women to want me!). The CSI world like most mainstream programs was heavily populated with young women who looked like models which I liked! I remember having no interest in any movie or show or even news program that didn’t have any hot women in them (I had a bit of a thing for female newsreaders; all sophisticated and sexy… Jana Wendt in those shoulder pads!). Anything without hot women just didn’t seem relevant to me back then… fair enough?!

From what I could see ‘Six Feet Under’ didn’t offer me any of this. The episodes didn’t even seem to resolve anything! Often during the same weekly time slot I had to face the decision of what to watch but for some strange reason I began to gravitate toward this unusual show. One night my parents came home early to catch me watching an episode (I think I was wearing clothes this time!) and it took a matter of seconds for them to find it weird and disturbing. I could feel their judgement or concern that their son was watching such a thing. in an accusatory manner my dad asked; “what are you watching!?” I tried to explain that it was good or interesting or something but then Claire decided to experiment sexually with her female friend and my parents demanded I turn it off. Partly due to this censorship it wasn’t until a couple of years later that I bought the series while I was on my honeymoon (and only cause it was a dollar a season in Bali!). My wife and I began to watch it when we returned to Sydney and became hooked. It may seem strange but watching this obscure show that revolved around death seemed to inform one of the happiest periods of my life. It was not so much because of the time spent actually watching or looking forward to the show (though that was part of it) but the amazing conversations it started with my wife and work colleagues who were also fans. It seemed to allow us to connect on deep topics and on a personal level. It also felt liberating in the way it opened my mind. I would relate to the characters or come to empathise with them even if they seemed so different to me. It challenged me and my values and inspired much deep thinking and writing. Not only did CSI not offer any of this but it didn’t even compare in terms of entertainment.

My early experience with watching ‘Six Feet Under’ (and often I’ve found this to be the case with truly original work; ‘The Wire’ being one other example) wasn’t a positively entertaining experience that helped me relax at the end of a day’s work but it would come to offer this and so much more. I had to make a significant shift as a viewer for this to occur like some part of my brain had to be awakened as opposed to being a completely suggestible zombie. This activation would come to be so rewarding. ‘Six Feet Under’ added value to my life. Most significantly it marked the beginning of me ‘switching on’ as a viewer. Now when I sit down in front of a screen my mind is willing to be opened and my life enriched. An awareness of what I fill my mind with was growing along with a constructive and stimulating engagement with the representations of people and life on screen.